Naropa: So let´s continue to polish the diamond….
M. I would like to share…I feel vulnarable to share this. It looks like two powers operating in me now. One is the creation and the love.
And also the Shiva power: I´m so scared to be destroyed. As a child I was always destroying things. My brother used to make beautiful things and I was always destroying them.
It feels there is also pain in it, because I feel that everything will be destroyed anyway, so I will do it. Something like this.
Naropa: And this sentiment was making you doing this?
M.: I was so young, but I think so, I don´t know. But with the afternoon meditation I felt this two powers in me together.
Like creating new things, and it looks that something is painful… the creation of life…I feel life, and I also feel this power to destroy.
Now with this infection I have. Sometimes I´am afraid something comes in me and destroys me. So it´s like „ok“, it will happen now, you see, I will be destroyed also.
I feel the fear that I will be destroyed even before I will taste full life.
Naropa:Just because you realize so deep, that life in the form or life in the body is a temporary state of being.
Realizing this makes one mature. It might – and that is very close – it might paralyze you or it might make you very creative and alive.
To me life is so meaningful because it is a very temporary state. I know so well that I will leave everyone and everything behind.
And it makes not that this is a very sad affair.Just the time that I am here and we meet each other, I drink it as deep as possible.
And I have learned, because it is only a temporary affair, it makes it more beautiful that we are together. Nothing is guaranteed for the next moment.
And this quality, that everything dissapeares or is being destroyed – as you mentioned it – has always deeply inspired me.
We somehow live as if the death of the form, of the body and the mind doesn´t exist.
And when it comes, it comes and surprises us, because it has been always the other that died.
Therefore Gautama Buddhas approach was, bringing everyone to the cremation-ground for three months and watch the burning bodies.
And like one day you were not here in this form, one day you will not be here in this form.
And until you go deep inside, deeper than the form, one reaches the formless.
One transcends birth and death. So one misunderstanding about death is, that it seems for most people something that might happen in the future.
But the ones that look deeper, see that death is continiously happening, all the time. And birth is happening continiously too.
And the one that enters death, also discovers life, and the one who is born conciously discovers what it means to die.
So the problem with you here is, that you see yourself for being an „I“ and you see yourself for being a body.
So the separate sense of I-ness considers this game of birth and death as useless – I better destroy it myself, because it will be destroyed anyhow, sooner or later.
And what is this sense of „I“ that wants to sit on the seat of the creator? What is this sense of „I“ that wants to sit on the seat of the destroyer?
There is still control, and it also explains why you once told me „I am angry at God“. You can not put yourself above God.
Life asks you to surrender. And surrender means: voluntaryly dissolve or die before you die. And it´s not at all a terrible experience.
You can call it an oceanic experience. This existence takes care for you and for everyone.
There is no need to carry this existence or to turn this planet. It turns by itself.
And then there is no need at all, when you have this insight, to be angry at God because you are God yourself.
You are one of the many, many uncountable faces. You can´t go anywhere, you can´t be destroyed, you have never been born.
You just live inside this form and are at the same time completely beyond it.The form lives in you. And you can discover this.
No one else can tell you this and you believe it or disbelieve it. So here you are to polish your diamond: „Who am I“?
So continiously all the time, while we talk here, while you listen here, creativity is happening, creation; dissolving is happening, disappearing;
and the deeper you dive you find the timeless and formless isness.
And you come here to realize this deeply, to be soaked in it, to be merged in it.
So it will become your undeniable truth because it is the undeniable truth of existence.
So it´s wonderful, when the creative energy is going through you, allow it to create, but don´t hold on to your creation.
We called it like inner unattachment. You don´t experience this by getting rid of all projects or getting rid of all your posessions.
You are posessed by the I-sense. And that´s a collection of thoughts, memories, habits and imprints.
And that´s wonderful, because you create and at the same time, within the action of creation, you let go.
Or – as I sometimes say – whenever the meeting is there, we merge togehter, we make even love together (as you could call it), and yet in that same movement we let go.
That´s non-attachment. You hold nothing in your hands, but whatever is there, you are totally with it.
What a tantric experience, all the time. Actually, when one lives this, one is not angry with God, but one makes love to God. And God makes love to you.
This is the secret of Mahamudra, the ultimate orgasm. We can experience this primordial gas all the time.
One can feel it, one can hear it – it is a very, very subtle humming, like the AUM. It´s the presence, that you experience yourself as being there.
Not being someone – but just being. So enter all the powers that you come across: creation, and see, whats the nature of it.
Dissolution, and see, what´s the nature of it. It´s really not a bad news or a sad news, that everything will disperse.
– Anything from you, M.?
M.: Just I feel sadness with letting go.
Naropa: What do you let go? What do you have in your hands?
M. (I guess) nothing
Naropa: When we were driving here towards Czekia a week ago, about every three minutes there was a fly that was killed on the glass of our car.
They were just there and they even had no time to realize, that they popped out of their little bodies… Appear…disappear…appear…disappear…form….formless….death….birth…birth… death……
In Zen we call this the „spinning wheel“.
And when we really enter this phenomena deep, something is completely silent and doesn´t take part.
So therefore, when you see the memory-stone of Osho, there is written „He never was born and he never died, he only visited (this) planet“.
Or Papajis biography: „Nothing ever happened“.
And then, when you open the book, it´s not empty, you know, there are words printed in, in his biography, but still the foundation of the book is the white page.
And this is what the Yogi or the Wise know: they are just the screen and everything might appear on this screen, and that´s fine.
And I don´t say „be indifferent what´s on the screen“, actually I would suggest: enjoy it!
Make this life an art, make it a dance, a poem. Love as much as you can and value every second. Don´t waste a single moment – and most of the time we waste, because we are afraid.
So somehow humans found a way in between life and death. That is called „sleep“ by the mystics, this is the spiritual sleep.
When you drink this moment completely without any reserve, that means that you surrender to everything and every moment, there is an inner thankfulness for being here.
And one wonders also, it´s a miracle to be here. We can´t comprehend this.
But one thing for sure: there will be no complain; everything is perfect, everything is fine, beyond words.
So create with the absolute knowlege that it will be destroyed. Like a child building a sandcastle on the beach.
And what a great fun, just before you go home, to destroy it…
This is what m the tibetan monks show with there beautiful sand-mandalas.
For days they are working just with coloured sand and it needs a lot of attention to create it, and then, when they are finished, they shake it – non-attachment.
So look deep into the anger towards what you call God, or the universe. And no, you will never win from the universe.
The universe asks you to surrender. And surrender is not being passive or being a victim, not at all.
Find out, what can´t be destroyed. Find out, what´s eternal.